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Archive for December, 2006

Next step

I don’t know if anyone is reading this anymore, but I’ve decided that instead of sending out lots of emails I’m going to post my news and feelings and whatever here. I guess I’ll have to at least send out one email to let everyone know to come here and look.

So, I saw the gyn oncologist yesterday and he showed me the PET scan and said that the hot spot was highly probable and highly suspicious to be cancer. He also checked with a few surgical oncologists about surgically removing it (he said there was no way that he would touch it) and they all said no way also, it’s too dangerous because of the location (a para-aortic lymph node in the back near the renal arteries and kidney). So the next step is a ct-scan guided biopsy which I will have next Friday morning to confirm it. Then the step after that is radiation and there is also the possibility of chemo. He said the radiation should help with my back/leg/hip pain, so that is good, but I know from others who have had radiation to this area of the body that it’s a pretty tough course (lots of nausea being so close to the abdomen).

We haven’t told Z. yet, we are planning to wait till I get closer to treatment. That will be a very hard conversation for us.

I have this weird thing happen every day now, I wake up in the morning and my first conscious thought (after damn, do I really have to get up now??) is “I’m going to die”. But it’s this really emotionless thought, just like a statement of fact about some character in a book, not me. Then I just get up and do my morning routines. It’s kind of how I’ve been feeling so far, mostly like it’s an out of body experience, happening to me yes, but a distant me, not the me inside. So hard to explain, but I think it’s self protection, trying to emotionally process all of this.

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Bad news

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, last time I did I was expressing relief at having gotten some relief for the back pain I had been experiencing. Well, that relief was short lived as while I had good days and bad days the pain did not go away completely. I saw the chiropractor for about a month and have even started physcial therapy, but I knew that this pain was not right. I had had back and hip pain with both of my previous cancers so called my gyn onc in mid Dec. and asked them if I should push up my ct-scan (I was due for one in January) and they said yes. So the ct-scan results showed fluid in the pelvis and the gyn onc said, well it could be related to all the radiation you had, let’s have a PET scan done (which shows metabolic activity) and see. I had it done 2 days (Thursday the 14th) before leaving for Disney World for a week’s vacation with Z. and A.

When I hadn’t heard back from the drs. office by Monday evening I knew something was wrong. I didn’t hear from the nurse till Wed. evening and she told me that while the pelvic fluid showed nothing wrong they did find a hot spot in a para-aortic lymph node (abdomen). She said the dr. said it was in a difficult spot, behind the kidney. I will see the dr. on Thursday the 28th and see what he has to say about all this, but I suspect there won’t be much good to say.

I’m kind of in shock in a way, kind of in denial, at least some of the time. We were on vacation and now we’re home and getting ready for Xmas so I’ve had plenty to do to keep me busy which helps. But I know the realities of a recurrence and this is very depressing. Friends are worried that I am sounding or feeling defeated, but it’s not that so much as being realistic. Yeah I’ll fight this and all that, but I can’t pretend that everything is going to be alright. It’s not alright, it stinks and I know too much of what happens from here on in from watching others around me fight recurrences to hop on the positive attitude train right now. Yet at the same time I haven’t let this inside me yet and am walking around feeling normal. Funny the ways we self protect.

Well, I’ll write more when I know more, or when I just feel like talking some more.

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