I had my PET/CT scan on Wednesday morning and am now waiting for the results. I can’t even tell you how hard it is waiting for test results. I go back and forth between sheer terror (along the lines of I’m going to die and very soon) to a weird calm (it feels kind of unreal, maybe it’s numbness). It’s exhausting. I’ve been going through this for 9 years now and I can honestly say it does not get any easier. The time between tests is easier, but the time right before getting the test until I get the test results is just as terrifying as it’s always been.
My life slows down to almost a halt. I spend all of my time at home waiting for the phone call. I know I could give the dr. my cell phone number but I don’t want to be driving or in the middle of a grocery store, or worse yet, out with Z. when I get the call. I want to be home where I can go in a room and close the door. Every time the phone rings my heart stops, the adrenaline starts pumping and my hands start to shake. Thank god for caller ID because at least I can tell who it is before I answer it, but even if it’s not the dr. I’m still a wet noodle when I answer the phone. Drs. often call at the end of the day, so the 4pm to 7pm time is the worst. After 8pm I tend to calm down because it’s rare that a dr. will call after that and I can put the adrenaline rush on hold till the next day.
A woman joined my support group at the Wellness Community last week. She has a type of cancer that requires a lot of testing and watching and waiting. She said she joined the group because she wanted to be with people who understand how hard it is to go to drs. appts. and wait for test results. She feels that her friends and family just don’t get it. I think it depends on the friends and family. I have many who are almost as anxious as I am while waiting, in particular my dh. But she’s right, it’s one of those you gotta be there to really know it kinds of things.
Hopefully I’ll know before the weekend.
Hugs and good thoughts and all that headed your way. I wish there was more I could do.
Take care,
Leila.
Michele:
You put it into words so very well. Thoughts and prayers are with you friend.
WIshing you the best,
Pam
{{{{hugs}}}}
Thanks Leila, Pam and Tricia. No word yet so I think I probably won’t hear anything till Monday. Well, at least I won’t be jumping every time the phone rings this weekend.
Sigh.
Michele